Infertility is more than the failure of the body

Last week was Infertility Awareness Week.  I wanted to write something, but the pain of infertility made me a bit too paralyzed to do it.  Sounds very strange, doesn’t it?

Back in October I had a miscarriage and what would have been my due date is approaching.  With every night that May 22nd gets closer, my throat closes up more with fear and pain.

People think they know what infertility is, but in all reality if you haven’t dealt with it then you don’t know what it is.  It is nighttime panic attacks and it is crying when you see someone giving birth to a child on tv.  Infertility is anger when having to buy another box of tampons.  If you have a child then people tell you that you should be grateful and we are, but that doesn’t make an infertile woman’s emotions any less real or raw.  Infertility is wanting to punch people when they say “just stop trying and it will happen”.

We have been trying to get pregnant for a year and every month has been heartbreaking.  We want a sibling for our son and it feels like it is getting further and further out of reach as we get older.  My husband often times is not awake when I lay awake at night and cry to God about the pain that is still in my heart.  In the Bible it says His Peace shall pass all understanding…I pray and wait for that peace.  I pray to be filled with something that replaces my pain with contentment with one child.

When the pain gets becomes too much, I give it to My Father in Heaven.  He is a Good, Good Father.